Cat Cult: Some Thoughts About CATS

(First off, it should have had an exclamation point: CATS!) 

Everyone is writing and talking about this damn movie, and I will too because it is amazing. I mean, it’s awful, but delightfully so. Terrible, nonsensical, terrifying, uncanny, and delightful. There’s so much in the world that’s truly terrible that this hairball of a movie is a breath of fresh air. That’s where its genius lies.

I had to be talked into seeing CATS by my friend because the trailers scared the shit out of me. You all know what I’m talking about: the hideous half-human celebrity, half-cat creatures who look like they got stuck mid-transformation. Like how Hermione Granger would have looked in the second Harry Potter movie if they had had “digital fur technology” (whatever the fuck that is) back in 2002. The human eyes and noses; the cat ears and tails that move; the human bodies slickly covered in fur.

But she convinced me and we saw it a few days before Christmas in a mostly empty theater. Katie and I both love musicals, although neither of us had ever seen this particular one. I had the original broadway recording CD as a kid, which I enjoyed but didn’t really get. I figured I was missing a lot of the story. It turns out I wasn’t! This show barely has a story, and the movie apparently even added more, which is hard to comprehend. It’s mostly just cats singing songs to introduce themselves to the audience and to their cult leader in hopes of ascending to cat heaven(?)

Katie and I walked in a minute or two late, just as the first number was starting. The Jellicle Cats were singing ominously to the main character, convincing her to join their Cat Cult. I kind of liked this about the movie: there was no handholding. It started on a super weird note and only got weirder. As a viewer your choice was to get on board right away or bail. Join the Cat Cult. 

As we sipped our Mango White Claw (a very cult-y product that I tried for the first time that day), Katie and I kept giving each other looks and saying “what the fuck is going on.” Ten minutes into the movie came a scene that truly shook me. The Rebel Wilson cat unzipped her skin and revealed another layer of fur and a sparkly pink outfit. Then the wobbly camera zoomed in on dancing mice and cockroaches with human faces, which the unzipped cat proceeded to eat. That scene really dares you to keep watching. 

Here are some of my other major contentions with this film:

• The Jellicle Cats are apparently led by Old Dueteronomy (half cat, half Judi Dench), and each year one of them gets sent to the ‘Heavyside Layer.” Literally, that’s how the movie ends. Is this actually heaven? Or is this more of a Heaven’s Gate suicide cult situation? This is never explored or explained. 

• Some cats wear fabulous fur coats: is the fur made from other cats? Dogs? Squirrels?

• Are there humans in this world? There are human things, and this supposedly takes place in London, but then there are Cat themed strip clubs and “Milk Bars.” Does this, as Katie speculated, take place in a post apocalyptic world where cats have taken over? 

• What size are these cats?! The scale of this movie is all over the damn place. 

• Watching these famous actors try to act like cats by licking/cleaning/slinking/mewing/lapping milk was disturbing and hilarious. 

• Who let Taylor Swift keep that terrible British accent? 

• Why did they edit out Jason Derulo’s bulge? This movie is already super horny and his character, Rum Tum Tugger (really), is as horny as a cat-human hybrid could be. Why not just go for it? 

Here are some things I enjoyed: 

• The cats kiss each other by nuzzling heads. It’s hilarious, and much more sanitary than human kissing. 

• Jennifer Hudson’s solo Memory was legitimately good. 

• The magician cat (Mr. Mistoffelees) had a magic wand which was actually just a pencil.

Katie and I left the theater baffled by what we had seen, but on our walk home we sang musical theater songs that we had learned by heart as kids. As technically terrible and nonsensical as this movie was, it was joyful. It was absurd and it didn’t care. The Broadway show it is based on is insane, and instead of trying to tame (ahem) it and make it more palatable for the “mainstream,” CATS just fucking went for it. And I have to admire it for that. 

When you’re a cat you’re a cat all the way. 

What a way to end the decade.